Today I’m going to teach you the never-fail, always-win method to achieving victory in any argument, no matter how heated it becomes.
Believe me, I know what it’s like to be attacked, criticized, blamed, shamed…you name it…
…not only by significant others but also by co-workers, friends, family…just about everyone I’ve ever spent any real time with.
And I’ve discovered a strategy that has allowed me to slip out of any all of these attacks unscathed and victorious.
It never fails. It always works.
Although this method can be applied to just about anyone, I find that the closer you are to somebody, the easier it is to let loose on them. For some reason there’s a tendency to be the most vicious toward the people we love the most…
…I won’t get into why that might be in this article. But I do think we are most likely to become vicious with our significant others.
So in this article, we’re headed directly into the eye of the storm.
Are you ready?
How to Win an Argument Against Your Significant Other
The reason this strategy works is because it relies on a series deep, inner shifts in your mentality.
The only way to win an argument against your spouse is to completely change how you look at the argument.
The argument is not a fight: it’s not a war. But do realize that a strong and cunning defense will be your best weapon.
Sure, some might believe that a strong offense will defeat your opponent. But I’m making the assumption that you don’t want to defeat your opponent…
…deep down in your heart, you love this crazy person.
And this isn’t war.
You’re not trying to “defeat” your significant other. You are trying to “win” the argument.
So a strong offense will never work. It will only hurt your partner. And that’s not our goal with this strategy.
The true goal is to out-do your partner with a cunning maneuvers that will disarm them, leaving them with neither the ability nor the desire to attempt to hurt you any further.
You’re going to literally transform your partner from a savage, ferocious wildcat to a soft, cuddly, and gentle kitten.
That’s how powerful this method is.
It’s based on both evolutionary and psychological principles on how the human mind operates, which is why it works every single time when executed effectively.
In addition, this method combines highly conscious energetic precepts such as forgiveness, acceptance, and outcome-detachment.
Finally, the method is enhanced by the powerful and widespread art form known as NVC (non-violent communication).
I am going to teach you this method through a series of seven mentalities that you will need to adopt and cultivate in order to be successful.
Mentality #1: Don’t try to win the argument.
I know, I know…it sounds counter-intuitive.
And it is. For good reason.
A common conception is that where there is a winner, there must also be a loser.
But that’s the beauty of this strategy: no one loses.
When executed correctly, both you and your partner will get what you truly want: a deep, harmonious connection and a peaceful resolution to the argument at hand.
Let me share with you an ancient Chinese proverb that may help you grasp this paradoxical concept:
“There is a reason all the world’s greatest seas have claimed the allegiance of a thousand mountain streams. It’s because they put themselves below those mountain streams.”
The goal is not to “beat” your partner. The goal is to get your partner to flow into you.
This goal requires you to be below your partner. But as you’ll see throughout this article, below is where you hold the most power.
Contrary to popular belief, the route to pure strength and raw power is through total vulnerability and submission.
I predict that the biggest mistake you will make with this strategy is trying too hard to be right.
When done correctly, this method will allow you to be both right and happy. But if you become over-balanced in your desire to be right, you will not only eventually become wrong, but you’ll also forsake your happiness.
So don’t make your goal about being right. Make your goal about being happy. About being peaceful.
And if you focus on speaking the truth in a way that does not attack, you will find that the road to victory is much better and more satisfying than “winning” the argument.
So get it out of your mind that you need to “win.”
Focus instead on peace, harmony, and balance. These are now your only goals. The “winning” will happen naturally on its own.
Mentality #2: Don’t defend your ego.
A strong and cunning defense is always better than going on the offense.
It is therefore your job to protect yourself and to shield your ego from the impending attacks.
But no matter how sturdy your shield is, it will never be impenetrable.
Attacks are going to get through.
And when they do, you can’t make the mistake of outwardly defending your ego.
Do your best to protect yourself and your ego. Contain yourself inside of a shield so that you can stay sane and focus on the outcome you want the argument to have.
But don’t fool yourself – attacks will get through.
Especially at first, you are going to experience what’s called “ego-pain.” It is characterized by a sharp, stabbing, perhaps even searing pain in your chest as a result of something your partner says.
It might be an accusation or an observation of how you’re falling short in life or in the relationship.
It’s going to happen. And no matter how well you prepare for the attack, it’s almost inevitable that something that’s said in the argument is going to hurt your ego.
The key is to not defend it.
Notice I said “hurt” your ego. I did not say “injure.”
The pain is temporary, and you must learn to see it as such.
When the ego pain comes, don’t panic. Most people panic when they feel ego-pain. This then invariably causes them to project that pain onto the other person, usually in the form of anger.
You’re better than this. Accept the pain and realize that, no matter what was said, you are still safe and nothing is set in stone.
Realize that no matter what is thrown at you, there is always time to recover…there is always time to change…and there is always time to explain your own point of view.
But that time is NOT now.
Have you ever watched a tv show or a movie in which there’s a crazy mix up that happens and doesn’t get resolved until the very end of the show?
The tension that comes up can be phenomenal. You’re practically ready to scream at the screen!
That’s an analogy, but it applies very well here: keep in mind that the end is still unwritten. Nothing is set in stone. So allow yourself to run with it. Allow yourself to have fun with it. Enjoy the moment while it lasts.
Just know that no matter what is thrown at you, your only real goal is to love and be loved. And these things can happen (almost) no matter what your partner says about you.
Seriously – and I know this might sound strange – but I actually enjoy it.
For example, I remember my wife screaming at me a while back, “And you’re just some immature, childish asshole who does whatever he pleases without thinking about it. I’m so sick of that guy…like, would you just grow up already?”
I’ll be honest, she’s said things like this before and it hurts. I mean, who wants to be accused of being childish?
This time, however, my training had paid off. And I said something to the effect of, “Yeah I know…I’m a total asshole who just needs to grow up.”
This caught my wife by surprise. She didn’t know how to respond.
Suddenly, she’s no longer fighting with me. We’re both on the same team and all of a sudden there’s no enemy.
“You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It’s just easier…it goes quicker.”
The reason this is even possible is because I don’t worry about my ego getting hurt. I just recognize any pain that might come up and just shrug it off.
“No pain, no gain,” I tell myself.
And then I can move on without having to worry about defending my ego.
Besides, it doesn’t even work anyway. Why would I do something that doesn’t work?
Mentality #3: Pretend they’re talking about someone else.
This one might be tricky. If you pretend they’re talking about someone other than you, it could be easier for you to come across as unconcerned or dismissive.
A more accurate mentality would be to understand that they’re talking about you…but pretend that you are someone else. Just be the observer and detach from yourself…detach from your ego.
This mentality will help you by shielding you from your opponent’s piercing attacks.
In essence, it will help soften the blows to your ego. This will allow you to stay in the pocket of the argument without becoming emotional.
When you become emotional, you almost always lose.
Stay in the pocket of the argument.
Engage your logical mind.
Think of the argument as a game of chess. All you’re doing is strategically moving chess pieces around in order to protect your king.
Be strategic minded. Accept what is thrown at you.
Accept it, without judgment.
When you judge, you lose.
Analyze your opponents movements. Recognize the move they’ve made without becoming emotional about it.
And, above all, stay calm!
Doing this will help you immensely to stay in the pocket of the argument.
Remember…it’s a game. And you’re just a player in the game.
Try not to take it so seriously, will ya?
Mentality #4: ‘Agree’ without agreeing.
…said another way: don’t actively disagree.
First, in order to embrace this mentality, you’ll have to develop considerable skill with the previous mentality.
For example, what if your partner tells you that you’re inadequate in some regard.
Do you think that’s going to hurt? You bet it will.
But if you dissociate yourself from the pain, then you will be able to see where your partner is coming from.
Maybe you don’t already know this: but you’re not inadequate. The hurtful things that we say to each other are not actually true.
But there is truth…to them.
“What matters is not what’s true…but rather what your opponent thinks is true.” -D/C Russ
Do you see the difference?
The truth is that we’re all inadequate in some ways, even your partner who seems so concerned with the spec in your eye that they can’t see the beam in their own.
That’s okay…we’re not here to point that out.
All we’re here to do is accept our shortcomings and accept our flaws. By forgiving ourselves first, we no longer have to worry about the temporary pain we might experience in an argument with our significant others.
Once we do that, then we can simply strive to see where our partner is coming from.
Just assume that you’re not perfect and that you have flaws. And that’s okay.
Assume that you’ve probably made some mistakes. Hey, haven’t we all?
If you made a mistake, just apologize. No need to defend yourself. We’ve all made mistakes.
Nothing will disarm your partner faster than your willingness to own whatever it is they’re accusing you of.
Willingness to accept what your partner is saying as something that’s true for them is precisely how you make an agreement with them without actually agreeing to the content of what they’re saying.
Here are some of the most powerful lines to disarm your partner:
- I’m sorry you feel that way, I really am. That was not my intention.
- Yeah, you’re right. I made a mistake. Sorry about that.
- Totally, my actions were way out of line. I’ll do better next time.
- Sure, I’ll own that.
- Yeah I can see what you’re saying.
- Well, I may not “agree” but I totally see where you’re coming from. Makes sense.
- Thanks, I appreciate that point of view. I’ll definitely be taking time to reflect on that.
You’ll have to figure out for yourself through practice which one of these to use in any given situation. But I’ll tell you that line #4 has not only saved me a ton of grief, but it’s also skyrocketed me to a whole new level of emotional maturity.
Not only that, but when you casually accept the mistakes and/or shortcomings about yourself, it fuels your self-confidence in a big way.
Just remember: you’re human. So is your partner. And for every mistake or downfall you have, your partner does also.
Don’t let their words get you down.
Instead, think like a researcher…seek the true meaning behind their words.
Mentality #5: Seek the meaning behind the words.
In everything that is said, there is always a deeper meaning.
And when you get to the deepest essence of every attack, it always has something to do with lack of some kind.
On a deep level, your partner is afraid of something…or afraid of losing something. They’re sad and scared and afraid they won’t be good enough or won’t have enough.
And please, for the love of God, don’t ever tell your partner this. It can just be our little secret.
“Language is a play of unintended self-transformations.” -Unknown
Deep down, your partner hurts. And any attacks are simply their [ineffective] art form for projecting their pain.
Who better to project their pain on than their closest partner? After all, it’s safe.
Unlike with a stranger, a boss, or a policeman…lashing out at someone you’re committed to has a degree of safety associated with it.
So in this way, you can think of your partner’s harsh words as an honor. They feel safe enough with you to express themselves in a way that they wouldn’t dare express to just anyone.
If you take away only one thing from this article, remember that the opposite of love is not hate. Hatred can only exist where there is love, just like darkness can only exist in the presence of light.
Without light there would be no dark. Without love there would be no hate. It’s all part of the yin-yang balance of the universe.
So if your partner appears to hate you (and even if they openly express this), remember that it is not true. In reality, they love you.
In reality, your partner loves you and deep down doesn’t feel worth love themselves. Deep down, they feel inadequate of your love…which is why they act in ways that attempts to push it away.
Remember, never tell your partner this during the argument. In fact, I would caution you not to ever say it…unless you and your partner have an agreement to heal your deepest traumas. In that case, plan a separate session where one or both of you agrees to be vulnerable and go to your deepest, darkest insecurities. (For more information about this process, feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.)
There is always a deeper meaning to hatred. And that deeper meaning is always a projection of self.
Like it or not, we humans live in a big labyrinth.
“Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” -Albert Einstein
Reality is a mirror of confusion. Everything…and I mean everything you observe or notice is a reflection of yourself. That’s how this game works…
…and, really, that’s the beauty of it. Everything is neatly reflected back at you because at the end of the day it’s all part of the same singular field of consciousness.
What does that mean for your partner?
It means that everything your partner projects onto you, he or she deep down feels about themselves.
But don’t take my word for it. Read the texts of any of the greatest masters that have ever roamed the earth…
…they all say the same thing: “We see in others what we fear about ourselves.”
Everything we see in others is a reflection of ourselves.
Understanding this will help you see the deeper meaning behind your partner’s words. And this, hopefully, will afford you even just one moment of compassion for the deep pain and wounding that’s causing them to behave viciously.
Mentality #6: Demonstrate your understanding.
This is really where the NVC (non-violent communication) comes in.
I’m specifically speaking about how you “receive” your partner.
In a perfect world, your partner will observe and talk about their feelings in a constructive manner. They will use “I” statements and talk about their needs and then form careful and deliberate requests around those needs.
News flash: we don’t live in a perfect world.
When your partner inevitably fails to communicate in a peaceful fashion, it is up to you (as the sly and cunning beast you are…) to receive them in a way that is peaceful and understanding.
The way that you do this is ridiculously simple: just rephrase what your partner says to you and say it back to them.
That’s really all there is to it. Use the words that they used…not because you’re “agreeing” with them…but because you’re demonstrating to them that you actually understand what they’re saying.
Don’t worry about whether or not their observations are correct. For now, just re-iterate them back to your partner.
Remember: I said this was simple. I didn’t say it was easy.
Possibly one of the hardest things about this entire method is being able to listen to things that you don’t believe to be true.
Whether it’s observations, accusations, or even so-called “facts”…you are eventually going to object to things your partner says.
But if you object aloud, then you lose.
Trust me, there will come a time for you to state your objections. But now is not the time.
The only – I repeat – ONLY time you will be able to be heard is once your partner feels heard.
You will almost NEVER be heard as long as your partner feels like s/he still has not been heard.
But once you take the time to listen to them – and you demonstrate that to them by re-iterating their observations – they will immediately feel resolved in themselves, thereby opening up space for you to talk.
Just don’t be too hasty. There is always time for you to say your piece. It doesn’t have to be in this argument…in fact, it’s usually better that you wait until another time or even another day.
Don’t be too hasty. Stay in the pocket of the argument and don’t let your ego get a hold of you.
Mentality #7: Use these catch phrases.
This is not so much a mentality as it is a tactic.
But getting in the mindset of relying on catch phrases will not only help you stay in the pocket of the argument, but will also help you speak the truth even when you become emotional.
When we get angry, we’re much more prone to say things like, “I hate you” or “I don’t even like being around you” or “You’re ruining my life” or “I’m happier without you.”
These are some fairly extreme examples but there are literally a million nasty things we can say to our partners…and we’re much more likely to say them when we become emotional during the argument.
You have to remember that these things are not true. Truth simply does not sound like this. It never does, it never will.
If you don’t believe me, pick a time when you feel exceptionally good about your partner. What comes to mind are things like love and happiness and comfort…not hatred and seething rage.
The mentality here is that you have to convince yourself that pure love is the truth and that hatred is merely an absence of love…and it’s therefore an absence of truth.
Once you’ve agreed to accept this as your new mentality, you will have a much easier time disarming your partner.
And the first few times you attempt the disarming strategy in this article, your partner will likely be skeptical of your approach. They might even call you out for being disingenuous or careless. This is where the catch phrases come in.
Consider your partner’s skepticism a test. And if you aren’t 100% solid in your approach, they’ll smell it. You’ll then become emotional because you perceive that you’re being “found out” for being disingenuous.
When this happens, you’ll be glad that you’re armed with these following catch phrases:
- No, honey, I’m just really trying my best to listen to you this time.
- Well, I’m trying a new strategy that I think will bring us closer together, that’s all.
- I know, I know…I might not be doing this right. But I’m trying my best!
- I’m sorry you feel that way…it’s just that I’m trying really hard to understand where you’re coming from.
- I absolutely DO care. Trust me, I really care about this.
- Well I’ve just realized that you’re really what’s important to me…not my desire to be right.
There’s no need to remember these exactly. Just feel them.
Get into the energy of these phrases. They’re incredibly powerful and can disarm even the most vicious opponent.
The thing to remember is that you’re not being manipulative or deceptive. Deep down, this is really how you feel.
Deep down, you really want your partner.
Deep down, what you really want is a solid connection and a close, passionate relationship.
If, even in your best moments, you feel that this may not be the case, then I think you should read this article about separating from your partner. There may be some inspiration in there for you.
For everybody else, just remember that what you really want – harmonious love – will likely be out of grasp for you when you’re in the heat of the moment.
You must remember the catch phrases and use them when the time comes.
It will help you stay focused on what you want, which is a peaceful resolution of the conflict and a harmonious relationship with your partner.